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15 October 2019

What if obituaries had to be honest?

Headstone300Honest obits might go something like this:

Myra Ruth Littleberg

Funeral arrangements for Myra Ruth Littleberg, 91, of Ithaca, New York, who passed May 1, 2019 while reading a book at home, are pending at Ike’s Nondenominational Funeral Emporium on Hickory Street.  Littleberg served as No. 2 Librarian for 25 years at the main Ithaca Library. She kept to herself, spoke in a whisper and was quick to “shush” loud talkers even outside the library.  While researching Littleberg’s quiet life at work and at home with her three cats (Purrcy, Cuddles and Twerk), this reporter discovered, and thus must report, that Littleberg previously worked for years as a topless dancer who called herself Babs at the Check These Out Gentleman’s Club, located way down the gravel road on the shore of Cayuga Lake.

It is rumored that Littleberg was the first exotic dancer to slide down the stripper’s pole upside down and one-handed while blowing kisses to the big tippers in the audience.  Her children didn’t come around much, so Littleberg left her sizable fortune (mostly ones and fives) to Wanda Foogle, her only friend and former Check These Out dishwasher, who has agreed to take good care of Littleberg’s cats, especially Twerk.

Herman Everett Malloy

Herman “Stretch” Malloy, 81, passed away kicking and screaming in the hallway of his modest home in Terramuggus, Conn. on May 3, 2019.  Ironically, Malloy, who stood 4’ 7,” was nicknamed Stretch because he was known to demand full use of every dollar he earned as a Corn Flakes inspector at the Kellogg’s Cereal plant in Terramuggus.  Inez Malloy, spinster sister of the deceased, said Malloy was struggling to turn off the light in the hall left on by one of Malloy’s three grandchildren when he passed.  According to sister Inez, Malloy’s last words were, “It was probably Robby.  I never lik …”

Walter Skylar Huntsman

In loving memory of a respected Walter Huntsman, former longtime mayor of Enid, Oklahoma.  Huntsman, 68, went to be with the Lord or, you know, the other way, or maybe nowhere (No one can say for sure, can they?) on May 7, 2019 after having lunch with students at Gene Autry “The Singing Cowboy” Middle School.  Huntsman was a frequent visitor to the school campus.  Some, namely Huntsman’s widow Candy, said Enid’s mayor from 1990 to 2018 was “sweet on” cafeteria worker Ernestine Pryor, who usually works the third food tray from the left, wears the bright purple hairnet and says under her breath weekly, “OK, it’s Taco Tuesday, are you little brats happy now?”  Funeral arrangements for Huntsman have been faithfully entrusted to Flatland Cemetery in Enid.  His Former Honor will be buried wearing his favorite sweater, the one with the words “I’m the mayor of the ninth largest city in Oklahoma and you’re not” printed with letters so small no one could read them.

Norman Ray Williams

Mr. Norman Ray Williams, age 91, passed away peacefully on Saturday, April 6, 2019 at his home in Norman (no relation), Indiana surrounded by his loving wife Evelyn, his four children, his nine grandchildren, 11 great-grandchildren and his home care agency caregiver Mae, who lovingly tended to Williams but who may have gotten away with a piece of the family silver from time to time.  Those who never took the time to know this honorable family man, family physician, cello virtuoso, New York Times Sunday Crossword Puzzle champ and volunteer fireman often called him “Normal Norman from normal Norman.”  (Editor’s note:  There’s nothing dicey or interesting here.  Move along.) 

Gretchen Sue Griffin

In loving memory of Gretchen Sue Griffin, 71, of Glencoe, Illinois.  Griffin, known affectionately, yet oddly by her close friends as Ms. Griffin, never married.  She never worked, either, preferring to stay at home and run her fingers through piles of her inherited “old money,” which explained her opulent mansion on Chicago’s North Shore.  Ms. Griffin loved to cook, however, and she really loved to show off what she cooked on Facebook and Instagram.  And we’re not talking just special, elaborate meals.  If Ms. Griffin opened a can of ravioli and threw it on a plate, she would slap a photo up on all available social media websites, often streaming her meals live on Facebook.  Ms. Griffin passed away suddenly from a violent bout of food poisoning on April 11, 2019.  Those who took the time to pause that day’s “Fregola with Clams” streaming post at the 2:38 minute mark noticed that her can of chopped sea clams clearly had an expiration date of 02-19-2015.

Homer Holmes Fine Jr.

Homer Holmes Fine Jr., 63, of Stephenville, Texas went to be with his Father on April 28, 2019.  The career welder and electrician seemed to most who knew him to be a grounded family man.  Thelma Fine, Fine’s fine wife of 23 years (except for that short time in 2011 when Homer left home to launch his failed indoor home beehive business) said that all changed on April 27.  Thelma noticed on the NBC 5 noon, 4 p.m., 5 p.m., 6 p.m. and 10 p.m. TV news that the mysterious Welder Mask Bank Robber bore a striking resemblance to her husband.  Also, she could sort of make him out behind the welder’s mask with the initials HHFJr clearly visible on the protective glass.  The suspect got away with over $390 and change on April 27 by robbing the Stephenville Savings and Loan and holding the teller, Kayleen Hoover, at unlit welder torch point.  Mr. Fine, we have since learned, phoned in his own obituary to this weekly newspaper (Check out our website and like us on Facebook!) the next day.  As it turns out, Fine didn’t “go to be with his Father on April 28” as previously reported.  He went to Hico, Texas, near Stephenville, to be with his father, Spike Fine, and hide out from the law.  The younger Fine was spotted on the sidewalk in front of the Billy the Kid Museum and arrested.  The Hico Reunion Times-Picayune regrets the error.

Comments

Thank you, I needed the laughs. Glad that there are “normal” folks out in the world that lived and died while just cruising through.

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