Oh, my aching Olympiad
CSI: Plano -- That's my shoe print on the right, but what monster made the other print?
These are the Other Winter Olympics.
The object here, in an unusually frosty and snowy North Texas of '09/2010, is not to bring home gold.
My mission, as one of the forced-to-participate Other Winter Olympians, is to just get home by the fire. (Thank God we have a fireplace.) Call it survival of the fittest? I think not.
Granted, these Olympic games came upon us suddenly and with little warning. On Christmas Eve, and on Feb. 12 (when our Canadian neighbors were boo-hooing about an unusually warm winter and not having enough snow to send skiers skidding down a mountain), Old Man Winter took a jog south.
So, with no training, absolutely no equipment and no corporate endorsements, I gamely competed in the following Other Winter Olympic events:
Tracks of Our Fears Cross-Driveway Alpine Stomp
Let the official police report reflect that on the morning of Feb. 12, when my wife and I woke up to about six inches of fluffy snow on the ground, I was merely walking down the driveway when I saw Them.
Them was a row of large one-footed tracks, which remain unidentifiable to this day despite utilizing extensive modern, high-tech investigative techniques (a k a Googling the Internet).
In the picture above, that's the critter print on the left and my Size 10 shoe print on the right. It's not a rabbit, hawk, possum, dog, cat, duck, squirrel, coyote or wolf, according to our in-house/out-house investigation.
I've decided it's either a blood-sucking chubacabra or Bigfoot. OK, Mediumfoot, since my comparison shoe is a Size 10. Whatever it is, we're scared.
Short-Crack Guest Bathroom Light Panel Install
This event seemed simple enough. Replace the plastic panels under the lights in the guest bathroom. It seems easy, just like Curling (but no need for a broom).
Go to one of those warehouse home stores, though, and you'll discover that you can't just buy the little panels. You have to buy a sheet of paneling and cut them to fit.
Easy, just take it to the We Saw It For You section of the store and let a helpful trained employee zip it into shape for you. Wrong.
They won't cut it for you because "The saw would just tear holes in it." So they recommend a $10 bright yellow and black "professional" cutting knife that amounts to a handle and a razor blade. That way you can go home and spend two or three hours tearing chunks out of it yourself.
I couldn't even get the blade to lock into place in the shiny handle with the black grip (and no instructions). So after much anguish I Googled the problem and discovered this on-line review. I'm telling the absolute truth:
"Whatever you do, don't buy this product. The blade won't lock into place."
I didn't medal in this event.
One-Man Bobheading
One-Man Bobheading
The Canadians couldn't even think of adding this event in Vancouver this year because there's not enough snow. But in Plano, Texas on Feb. 12, the snow was so thick and so heavy that large tree limbs were cracking and falling. In our back yard, the snow-laden Magnolia tree limbs were drooping near the breaking point.
So I sprang into action in the North Texas One-Man Bobhead competition, shaking the limbs to free them from their heavy burden. I actually got quite good at it after about six or seven dumps of snow in my face.
I gave myself a silver medal (a quarter) for my valiant effort. It would have been only bronze, but I got extra style points for my imaginative snow boots (picture above on the right) fashioned by Walmart plastic bags I placed over my size-10 Crocs and laced up with rubber bands.
Gotta go. More snow's headed our way tonight. I need to run to Walmart for supplies, a k a plastic bag galoshes.