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05/02/2011

Springing a wiki leak: The Royal Wedding timeline

A man's home is his castle.  In Great Britain, thanks to the Royals, that can literally be the case.

Smooch348r If you ask me, every bride and groom should launch a happy marriage in a 13th century tomb (Westminster Abbey), share a ceremonial first wedded kiss in front of thousands of adoring subjects and ... wait for it ... squint skyward for not one, but two flyovers to celebrate the very special day.

I've got to admit that beats a wedding in someone's back yard converted into a wedding gazebo, a wedding singer so bad I still can't get the sight of my soon-to-be step-son grimacing and one of my best friends poking fingers into his ears in a vain attempt to shield himself from the off-key warbling.

But enough about my wedding.  Let's get on to the new Royal Coupling.

That would be last Friday's blissful union of the UK's Prince William and Kate Middleton, a so-called commoner.

Or, perhaps it's more appropriate to call it the blissful reunion of Willy and Kate since the couple have allegedly been, shall we say, royally shacking up since eight months before the engagement was even announced.

Word is that the Archbishop of York, no less, "gave his backing" to the shacking.

Party on, Brits. 

At first, I was among those who questioned why all the U.S. news agencies went gaga -- not Lady Gaga, just gaga -- over Friday's nuptial festivities.  Some network anchors and reporters (mostly women, I'm relieved to report) even purchased and sported brightly colored hats they can never even think of using for anything else for the occasion.

Gradually, I came around to the notion of embracing, out of curiosity, mind you, something I couldn't escape anyway.

If you question this theory, may I remind you that all of this country's big-time network TV anchor throats (announcers) were caught way away from their posts and red-faced when a marauding tornado the size of Kirstie Alley when she's off her diet did its best to wipe Alabama off the map hours before  a British bride and groom (who chooses not to sport a wedding band) vowed up.

At least Wiki leaks is on top of things.  Here, then, is the just-exposed royal timeline of last Friday's day of days:

8 a.m.:  Prince William (the balding one) is given the new title of the Duke of Cambridge by his grandmother, the queen, to mark his marriage to Kate Middleton.

10:13:  Prince William, wearing a red tunic of an Irish Guards officer, leaves Clarence House in a chauffeur-driven Bentley with his bother, Prince Harry.  Harry sports a Blues and Royals officer's uniform after deciding at the last minute against the Nazi uniform he wore to a Halloween party a couple of years back.

10:18:  The princes arrive at Westminster Abbey to rapturous applause and cheers from fans.  Only a few yell out, "Yo, Harry, where's the Nazi uniform?"

10:47:  The queen and Duke of Edinburgh arrive at Westminster Abbey in a Rolls-Royce limousine.  The Queen Mum's dressed in a primrose dress with matching hat and coat.  The Duke doses off in a military uniform.

11:00:  The bride arrives right on time.  She's wearing a gown with lace applique floral detail designed by Sarah Burton from the House of Ross Dress for Less.

11:20:  There's a fancy wedding ... yada, yada, yada.

12:28 p.m.:  The newlyweds arrive at Buckingham Palace where William is overheard telling Harry, "I've got to visit the other royal throne, if you know what I mean, Bro."

1:27:  William and Kate kiss for the first time as hubby and The Missus on the balcony of Buckingham Palace as hundreds of thousands cheer down below (outside the royal gates, of course).  NBC, which had been counting down the seconds as if the royal smooch were the launching of the space shuttle, is busy gabbing about something else and misses the money shot.  (Somewhere back in Plano, TX, USA a lone writer marks this glaring NBC flub as the high point of his day.  "Yes!")

1:35:  Royal lunch is served.  Beans and bangers (weenies).  Again.

2:17:  The queen excuses herself to catch the afternoon soaps on the telly.  Alone for the first moment as husband and wife, Prince Willy suggests to Kate that it's time for a little graby-graby to celebrate the royal union.  One of the servants Kate and William said they'd do without thought she heard this from behind a door:  "Forget it, bub.  I'm not about to ruin my wedding day with heathen relations, royal or not."

2:18:  Royal sulking.

3:12:  A deep sigh is heard though the keyhole of William and Kate's chambers, then the sound of a TV remote clicking into action.

3:13 to 5:45: The newly crowned Duke of Cambridge spends the late afternoon alone watching a cricket match between Kent and Middlesex.  If you'll forgive a royal pun, Middlesex doesn't score either.

(First kiss photo courtesy:  http://www.mirror.co.uk/)   

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This is just out of this world. Wishful thinking

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