I've been sneaking around, and I'm terrified my wife is going to find out.
Yet how can I resist her warm embrace?
Surely, someone out there will understand, even if it's only the men; some perhaps suffering the same agony.
She's there to warm me and protect me from the cold abyss of the outside world. She's always there when I need her, and she never utters even a hint of objection or complaint.
I'm cold natured. I can't help it. I can't deny it. I can't defend it. So I sneak around to deal with it, but the deceit gnaws away at my soul. Not enough, though, to shiver all day when I'm home alone during cold winter months.
My wife Suellen, through no fault of her own, has an inner body temperature that appears to reside in the desert of El Azizia, Libya, which is generally regarded as the hottest place on Earth. How does 136 degrees sound?
So, especially during the winter months, if Suellen is anywhere near comfortable, I feel like I'm trudging naked through a raging blizzard in Antarctica.
I've tried to fight the good fight; wrap myself in blankets, wear socks in house shoes, etc. But occasionally I have to poke my nose out of my blanket pile to move around. And there it is. I'm right back in the frozen tundra.
"This is why humans moved into caves, then built huts and eventually took out second mortgages on houses in the suburbs," I plead, "to get out of harsh elements like this."
That argument never flies, of course.
"If you're cold, just put some more clothes on," she says.
To which I've been known to reply:
"If you're hot, you could just take some clothes off."
Gentlemen, I don't recommend that retort.
If you just blurt it out anyway, as I have, just say something like ...
"What? I didn't say anything. I was shivering so much you just heard my teeth clicking together."
And so it goes, season after season. That's why I've resorted to my savior of warmth, Ms. Thermostat.
We heat it up toasty style during winter days. I just have to remember to restore the chill before Suellen comes home.
The deceit is killing me, though.
I can't go on living this lie. So I'm fessing up and embracing the mantra of that great philosopher Vanilla Ice.
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
Ice ice baby, indeed.
A sad silent (good)night
Do you appreciate, love and/or admire silent films?
I'm afraid there is some startling news bouncing around media outlets this morning.
In a shocking report just out by the Library of Congress, it appears about 70 percent of 11,000 silent movies made between 1912 and 1930 have been lost due to what the Associated Press is calling "decay and neglect over the past 100 years."
According to an article posted on the Hollywood Reporter website:
“'The Library of Congress can now authoritatively report that the loss of American silent-era feature films constitutes an alarming and irretrievable loss to our nation’s cultural record,” Librarian of Congress James Billington said in a statement. “We have lost most of the creative record from the era that brought American movies to the pinnacle of world cinematic achievement in the 20th century.'”
Some of the classics starring silent film era stars Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton and Mary Pickford (Wings) have been saved and, in many cases, restored to near-pristine condition.
Sadly, other classics like The Great Gatsby from 1926, Cleopatra (1917), The Patriot (1928) and Lon Chaney's London After Midnight (1927) are presumably lost forever.
Silents, it appears, are no longer golden.
Richland Emeritus kick-off postponed
Mitzi Werther, program director of Richland College's Emeritus plus 50 for seniors, has sent word that the Emeritus Back-to-School Spring Kick-off, originally set for Friday (Dec. 6) morning, has been postponed a week due to the threat of inclement weather.
"There is a strong possibility of a treacherous Friday morning drive. We do not want to put anyone in harm's way," Werther said.
No worries, though, the kick-off has been pushed back a week to Dec. 13. Instructors will take turns touting their upcoming classes in everything from aging issues, current events, nutrition, music, religion and even screenwriting.
Yours truly will be among the instructors. My spring class, which will likely be my last in the Richland Emeritus plus 50 program for a while, will focus on Oscar-winning Hollywood icon Marlon Brando. We'll dive into the fascinating subject of the man behind the myth.
This is my personal invitation for you to sign up for my spring class and others and to come to the always exciting kick-off event on Dec. 13 (Richland's Sabine Hall, Room 118).
It's free and there's snacks; coffee and muffins at 9 a.m. Call 972-238-6972 to reserve your spot.
Parody, the new way to disrespect
Who says I'm not on the cutting edge of everything cinematic and trendy?
Well, plenty of people, but that's not the point.
Parodies are all the rage this year.
From music videos like the Bound 3 spoof of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's Bound 2 by Seth Rogen and James Franco to feature films, videos are hotter than this year's "must-have" toy on Black Friday.
Frank Capra's 1946 Christmas classic It's a Wonderful Life appears to be the holiday target of choice this year when it comes to movies.
According to an article posted on the Hollywood Reporter website, "One is by comedian Owen Weber and the other is from Jean-Marc Vallee, director of the Oscar contender Dallas Buyers Club.
"Weber recut a Wonderful Life trailer to the tune of Kanye West's Black Skinhead, which is also heard in the first trailer for Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street (opening Dec. 25).
"Weber's parody The Wolf of Bedford Falls ... depicts Jimmy Stewart's hero as a corrupt sellout to evil banker Mr. Potter," the article states.
Sacrilege or homage?
I'll say a little (actually, a lot) of both.
I know this, though. The version of "It's a Wonderful Life" you'll see in the video below is not your mama's version of George Bailey.
It's not too late to book MM for your holiday party
It is time to get serious about planning your holiday event, though. Whether it's a corporate Christmas party, a country club holiday gathering or a retirement community seasonal celebration, the "Happy Ho-Ho-Holidays" Movie Memories presentation arrives bearing gifts of laughter, nostalgia and holiday joy.