Larry Ratliff

Yes, Virginia, there is a God

How do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exists?

Hollywood Walk of Fame officials have just announced that there are no plans to include "reality show" "stars" among 2,400 or so movie stars and other entertainment stand-outs with brass and terrazzo stars along Hollywood Blvd. and Vine St.

Sorry, Snooki (as I stifle a guffaw).  Too bad Kate Gosselin, Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman, "real housewives," survivors, bachelors and bachelorettes.

I hate to sound like the Hollywood Walk of Fame Nazi.  But no stars for you.  And after all that work you put in to get famous.  You must have spent, I dunno, minutes preparing for your "craft."

Excuse me for a quick aside:  "Hallalujah!"

"'Someone asked if we give reality show characters stars? 'Hell to the No!' was posted on the Walk of Fame Facebook page on Wednesday,'" according to an item posted on the Hollywood Reporter website.

"Adds Ana Martinez, vice president for media relations and producer for the Hollywood Walk of Fame: 'It's just not on the radar for us right now,'" the article adds.

Sorry folks, but over-the-hill politicians and athletes and the semi-famous by birth or association (a daughter of a former vice presidential candidate, for instance) are not stars.  They are the publicity ravenous who simply must be in some spotlight, any spotlight no matter how belittling to them and -- to a certain extent -- those who choose to watch.

Take it from someone who has spent three decades interviewing real stars; classy vets like the late Jack Lemmon, talented "it" people who have the background and acting chops to stick around (Drew Barrymore, Dakota Fanning to name just a couple) and hungry, gifted newcomers like Emma Stone and Jeremy Renner, The Situation disgracing the Argentine Tango is not star material.

It's television, or at least what passes for TV today.

(Snooki photo courtesy:  graphicshunt.com.)    

No 'Glee' for Lynch in concert flick

 

This may shock some "Glee" geeks.

Outstanding tongue-in-cheek funny lady Jane Lynch, who portrays sassy antagonist Sue Sylvester on the Fox chorus line series "Glee," has, according to a report on the Hollywood Reporter Web site, has been axed from the spin-off "Glee the 3D Concert Movie."

"Series co-creator Ryan Murphy told reporters at a news conference for the movie over the weekend that Jane Lynch, who plays Sue Sylvester on Fox's hit musical show, won't be in the movie despite being filmed during the tour and appearing in the trailer," the article sez.

The movie, offered in 3-D (needs special glasses) and the traditional 2-D (no special glasses required), opens Friday sans Ms. Lynch. 

Murphy apparently also told the press conference attendies that Lynch will appear in another version on DVD.

"Jane will be on that. We'll do it that way," the article states.

In true Sue Sylvester and Hollywood hype tradition, Sylvester is urging everyone to boycott the movie.

Yeah, right.  See below.  

    

("Glee the 3D Concert Movie" photo courtesy:  20th Century Fox.) 

Winning? What's wrong with this picture?

OK, the floor is open for debate.

What's wrong or right about this picture of Ashton Kutcher in Charlie Sheen's old perch between Angus T. Jones, left, and Jon Cryer in the familiar "Two and a Half Men" pose?

Can anyone suggest a reason why CBS and the production company have decided to re-tool and move forward with a show that, although a cash cow, was broke beyond Humpty Dumpty repair when Sheen moved to Mars mentally and abandoned all hope of salvaging his financial connection to "the good life," i.e. drugs and women?

Please sing to the tune of the "Two and a Half Men" theme song:

"Money ... money ... money ... money ... mon-eeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Take it from me, this creative shipwreck is doomed to failure on the artistic level.

No one could right the Titanic once it went belly up, and no one will ever recreate the magic-in-a-bottle of Sheen as the heavy drinking womanizer who reluctantly allows his nebbish brother Alan (Cryer) and nephew Jake (Jones) to share his Malibu beach house.

Kutcher, a decent actor, will give it the good go.  According to a report by the Hollywood Reporter, CBS Entertainment president Nina Tassler had high praise for Kutcher (and took a slight verbal snipe at Sheen) Wednesday as she faced reporters at the fall TV network dog and pony show in L.A.

"'We have an extraordinary actor in Ashton Kutcher. You have someone who is committed to doing their job and is incredibly professional,' she said, adding that Kutcher is 'an extraordinarily talented, funny and gifted actor,'" sez the posted Hollywood Reporter article.

Tassler forgot to mention one thing.  Kutcher is not Charlie Sheen, and you can read into that what you will.

I have met and interviewed Sheen on more than one occasion.  I always walked away thinking something like, "This guy's crazy as a loon."

And that was before his cars began suspiciously falling off cliffs into deep Cali canyons.  That was before Sheen took a hike as TV's highest paid sitcom guy and showed up in Tinsel Town waving a machete and gathering a posse of "goddesses" to keep around the house.

Charlie is Charlie is Charlie.

He was also extremely funny as the anchor of the sitcom CBS is trying to rebuild.

Once Sheen exits the "Two and a Half Men" grand scheme for good, however, as he likely will when the new season debuts Sept. 19 with a two-parter that's rumored to be about Charlie's funeral, the only people who stand to "win" are the advertisers, CBS and the production company.

Bottom line men, you see, could care less about artistic integrity, on-screen chemistry or a sitcom story that makes sense.

They're keen on something else.  Hit it boys ...

"Money ... money ... money ... money ... mon-eeeeeeeeeeeeee."

("Two and a Half Men" photo courtesy:  CBS)

Little blue group, 'Aliens' in B.O. draw

 

"The Smurfs" have something B.O.-related to smile about today.   (Courtesy:  Sony)

Holy Smurf!  The little blue guys tied the cowboys and little green men at the box office over the weekend.

I'm sure that says something about pre-opening hype, 3-D flicks, the audacity of co-mingling close encounters with high-tech space aliens and gunslingers of the Old West, the national debt ceiling and my personal addiction to anything frozen resembling ice cream, but let's leave it at this:

Good for the little blue guys.

An article posted on the Hollywood Reporter Web site is calling the tie between Sony's kiddie pic "The Smurfs" and Universal's "Cowboys & Aliens" "one of the biggest box office upsets in recent memory."

Each vastly different movie claimed an estimated $36.2 million over the weekend.  One will no doubt emerge as the winner when Hollywood bean counters get out their magnifying glasses later today.

The "Smurfs," those animated blue dudes from 80s TV cartoons, can celebrate no matter what, however.

"Heading into the weekend, 'Cowboys' held a wide lead over the competition in tracking, with Universal predicting a debut close to $45 million. The disappointing launch means the film—directed by Jon Favreau and costing $163 million to produce after rebates—will need especially strong legs," the Hollywood Reporter article sez.

"The Smurfs," which cost a reported $110 million, turned out to be an overachiever, outgrossing its estimates by just north of $10 million.

"'Cowboys,' starring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford, played older, likely explaining why the film underperformed," adds the Hollywood Reporter article.

"Of those turning out for Cowboys, 75 percent were over the age of 25—and 39 percent over the age of 50," adds the report.

(Daniel Craig photo from "Cowboys vs. Aliens" courtesy:  Universal Pictures.)

Fox makes sweet move, lights fuse on 'Dynamite'

 
"Vote for Pedro" lives!

The Fox Television Network revealed its fall schedule the other day.  Sometime in the near future -- that vague thing called mid-season -- Fox will roll out an animated version of "Napoleon Dynamite" to Sunday night audiences lingering after "The Simpsons."

The big news, of course, for many TV viewers is that former "American Idol" idol Simon Cowell is back with his witty scowl and his singer talent-search show.  This one's titled "The X-Factor," and will bring back Paula Abdul as Cowell's partner in semi-brilliant ditziness.

That's fine.  But I'll be hunting the Fox schedule for the "Napoleon Dynamite" debut.  

Here's something I haven't revealed before.

When a movie really locks me into its grasp due to excellent acting, genius filmmaking, a daring leap into uncharted cinematic ground that works or overall genius ...

I tear up.

It's not crying.  I would have to describe it as unbridled tears of joy; the rare moment when a movie and its audience meet in the dark and it turns into something almost spiritual.

In my Movie Memories presentation series, I refer to moments like that as "the magic of the movies."

That happened to me in August 2004.  A goofy, tiny-budgeted romantic-comedy set in an Iowa town exploded from the screen with quirky sweetness.

There was enough deadpan humor to make the late George Gobel high-five the cushioned ceiling of his coffin and the very much alive Smothers Brothers ever-so-slightly shrug their shoulders with appreciation.

  

I took my brother to see "Napoleon Dynamite" in Dallas, and the tears of appreciation flowed.  I tried to fight them off to no avail.

By the time Suellen and I gathered up Lisa (my stepdaughter) and Johnny (Lisa's husband) and settled in to share the joyful goof of a ride at an Austin theater, the flood gates opened again.  As usual, I tried to hide the water-works.

But something was different in Austin.  There was a strange buzz sound riding the coattails of the dialogue.  I finally realized that many (most, in fact) in the audience were returning viewers. 

They were saying the lines right along with Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite), Efren Ramirez (Pedro), Tina Majorino (Deb) and the rest.  This was only about two weeks after the film opened.

The good news is that the entire cast is returning for the Fox animated series, which will probably debut sometime early next year.

 

I can wait.  It'll be sweet to vote for Pedro again, although it sounds a little over-the-top to call these characters "animated."

("Napoleon Dynamite" drawing courtesy:  Fox TV Network)

Dude, where's my bowling shirt? ... seriously, Dude

Sorry, Charlie, but it's official now.  Ashton Kutcher is taking over the reins as lead actor in "Two and a Half Men."

Demi Moore, Ashton's mom -- excuse me, I mean his wife -- must be so proud.

I can almost hear the battle cries from both the Sheen camp and the Kutcher camp:

"Winning ... winNING! ... WINNING!!, I'm going to need more goddesses."

"Dude, you've been Punk'd.  I be looking real good in a bowling shirt."

Click the link to read the latest on the "Two and a Half Men" reboot from EW.com:

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/05/13/official-ashton-kutcher-joins-two-and-a-half-men/

Winning! (losing), casting! for 'Men'

The way the world appears to often reverse its spin these days, I wouldn't be shocked if Charlie Sheen does return to "Two and a Half Men," perhaps even adding a "goddess" or twosome to the cast.

With about a week to go before CBS is forced to show its hand, though, it certainly doesn't look like "The Warlock with tiger blood flowing in his veins" will be back in the bowling shirt in a Monday night sitcom.

By all accounts, CBS and "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre came close to signing somewhat faded British comic star Hugh Grant on Wednesday.

As someone has already pointed out on the Web, though, wouldn't that necessitate a title change to "One and a Half Men and a Bloke"?

Grant passed, so the scramble is on for Plan B, or is it really Plan G, H, or I?

According to an article posted on the Hollywood Reporter Web site, the clock is ticking:

"With the CBS upfront presentation now a week away, sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that the studio, network and 'Men' executive producer Chuck Lorre have set their sights on a new unidentified actor to replace Charlie Sheen in the wake of Hugh Grant passing on the role.   

"As THR first reported on April 28, Lorre has hatched a plan to reboot TV’s most-watched sitcom without Sheen, who was fired in the wake of his erratic behavior and tirades against Lorre and other executives," the article states.

As they say on teevee, "Don't touch that dial."  CBS needs to have some kind of plan in hand Wednesday (May 18) when they spill the beans to advertisers.

(Hugh Grant, left, Charlie Sheen photo courtesy:  people.com)

So much for holding off on Bin Laden humor

All day yesterday, while the world was coming to grips with the fact that a team of U.S. Navy SEALs had taken out Osama bin Laden in -- as Steve Martin would say -- a condo made of stone-a, I was wondering how comics and latenight talk show hosts would react to the long-awaited news.

Would Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel and the rest play it somber, or go for the punchline jugular?

I caught Leno first.  His doctored video of President Obama's "Bin Laden is Dead" Sunday night primetime TV break-in ended with what looked like the president doing backflips along the red carpet in the East Wing of the Whitehouse.

Letterman wasted no time either, saying something like, "The Navy SEALS fired a couple of warning shots into bin Laden's head."

Kimmel's "Weekend at bin Laden's" movie trailer spoof may have been the most savage ... and inspired.  Click here to take a look.

Letterman had the best of both worlds -- serious and silly -- on the night following the announcement of Bin Laden's demise in Pakistan.

Brian Williams, host of the "NBC Nightly News," dropped by to chat, gloat, joke and talk serious about the historic significance of the past 24 hours, despite the fact that Williams was about to anchor an expanded one-hour version of his own show.

Letterman may or may not have taken the correct approach -- a balance of the somber and the wacky.  But his Top 10 List from Monday night will live on in my warped mind for years to come.

 

(David Letterman, Brian Williams photo courtesy CBS-TV.)

Publicize me: Spurlock on selling out, cashing in

 

Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock, the human billboard.   (Courtesy:  Sony Pictures Classics)

I'm looking forward to seeing "Pom Wonderful Presents:  The Greatest Movie Ever Sold" tonight.

Morgan Spurlock, the crusading-yet-funloving documentary maker of "Super Size Me," "Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?" and others, serves up his exposé on product-placement to general movie audiences beginning Friday.

We only have to go as far as the title, prefaced by "Pom Wonderful Presents," to get a strong hint that Spurlock is pulling out all the stops to take the cinematic sell-out to new heights.

Or lows.

To my knowledge, which should never be considered all-inclusive, this is the first time words thrown into a movie title due to raging egos (Tyler Perry) or bottom-line, money-grubbing economics (Tyler Perry) have anything to do with promoting the sale of pomegranates.  

Come on, we all know that product placement exists.  Some filmmakers and TV directors are just more subtle about it than others.

The CNN Web site has a revealing article posted today titled "Morgan Spurlock:  Why I sold out."

In it, Spurlock reveals the shock he felt a few years ago when a season premiere episode of "Heroes" on TV seemed to include a car manufacturer as one of the title characters.

"In it, a cheerleader, played by Hayden Panettiere, meets her father as she walks out of her new school and heads toward the parking lot.

"'The camera dollies past the car and you see the Nissan logo go through the frame,' Spurlock recalled. And then her father surprises her by giving her the keys to the family's sparkling Nissan Rogue SUV. 'Oh my God, the Rogue!' she screams. 'You're the best dad in the world!'" the CNN article states.

"The Greatest Movie Ever Sold" (Sorry about that, pomegranate folks) claims to be "a film that was fully financed through product placement from various brands, all of which are integrated transparently into the film."

In other words, it's about business as usual in Hollywood.

If you're still with me, I'd like to thank you for visiting Bernie's Used Tires and Semi-Rust-Free Dented Hubcaps presents:  Larry Ratliff Movies & More featuring Larry's Aisle Seat.

(Morgan Spurlock image from "Super Size Me" courtesy:  Roadside Attractions)

Winning!? Charlie Sheen booed off Detroit stage

 
Defeat was an option Charlie Sheen had to deal with Saturday night in Detroit, the first stop on the former TV sitcom star's “My Violent Torpedo of Truth: Defeat is Not an Option” tour.

The former "Two and A-Half Men" anchor changed things around and fared better in Chicago Sunday night, according to published reports.  Opening night got ugly in the Motor City, however.

Even a pair of lip-locked so-called "goddesses" couldn't save the grandiose felled network TV star with so-called "tiger blood" flowing in his veins.

The audience, according to a story posted by the Hollywood Reporter, had something else flowing:

Booze and boos.

"Sheen’s haphazard act was neither standup nor confessional memoir, despite repeated promises that he was going to dig deep and dish secrets. It was closer to a motivational seminar, but one in which the speaker was also the key beneficiary. Early in the evening, before the crowd turned sour, there was a creepy atmosphere that suggested group indoctrination into a cult.

"The audience was packed with beer-guzzling fans who cheered Sheen on at first as he benignly nodded approval of the girl-on-girl lip-lock from his 'goddesses,' two Christina Aguilera clones who promptly disappeared," the Hollywood Reporter post states.

Brace yourself, Texans, Charlie's bus is scheduled to unload at the American Airlines Center in Dallas on April 27.  On April 26, Sheen is booked into Houston's Verizon Wireless Theater.

Seriously?  Am I the only one who thinks Mr. Sheen may be a little too wired to step foot in a venue calling itself a Wireless theater?

Apparently, it's just a continuation of the black-is-white thought process best described as:

WHINING!  Sorry, I mean winning!

(Fox Theater Detroit photo and photo of Charlie Sheen and "the goddesses" courtesy:  detnews.com.)