Larry Ratliff

Yes, Virginia, there is a God

How do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exists?

Hollywood Walk of Fame officials have just announced that there are no plans to include "reality show" "stars" among 2,400 or so movie stars and other entertainment stand-outs with brass and terrazzo stars along Hollywood Blvd. and Vine St.

Sorry, Snooki (as I stifle a guffaw).  Too bad Kate Gosselin, Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman, "real housewives," survivors, bachelors and bachelorettes.

I hate to sound like the Hollywood Walk of Fame Nazi.  But no stars for you.  And after all that work you put in to get famous.  You must have spent, I dunno, minutes preparing for your "craft."

Excuse me for a quick aside:  "Hallalujah!"

"'Someone asked if we give reality show characters stars? 'Hell to the No!' was posted on the Walk of Fame Facebook page on Wednesday,'" according to an item posted on the Hollywood Reporter website.

"Adds Ana Martinez, vice president for media relations and producer for the Hollywood Walk of Fame: 'It's just not on the radar for us right now,'" the article adds.

Sorry folks, but over-the-hill politicians and athletes and the semi-famous by birth or association (a daughter of a former vice presidential candidate, for instance) are not stars.  They are the publicity ravenous who simply must be in some spotlight, any spotlight no matter how belittling to them and -- to a certain extent -- those who choose to watch.

Take it from someone who has spent three decades interviewing real stars; classy vets like the late Jack Lemmon, talented "it" people who have the background and acting chops to stick around (Drew Barrymore, Dakota Fanning to name just a couple) and hungry, gifted newcomers like Emma Stone and Jeremy Renner, The Situation disgracing the Argentine Tango is not star material.

It's television, or at least what passes for TV today.

(Snooki photo courtesy:  graphicshunt.com.)    

Will 'The Help' help or hinder?

 

Aibileen Clark (Viola Davis) overhears a conversation that includes Skeeter Phelan (Emma Stone, center background) in "The Help."   (Courtesy:  Walt Disney/DreamWorks)

Here's hoping "The Help" will, if you'll excuse the pun, clean up at the box office beginning today.

I saw a screening of the emotion-rattling drama Monday night, and I still can't get the movie based on Kathryn Stockett's No. 1 New York Times best seller from 2009 out of my mind.

For those unfamiliar with the novel or the movie, Emma Stone ("Crazy, Stupid, Love"), Academy Award nominee Viola Davis ("Doubt"), Allison Janney (the mom in "Juno"), Octavia Spencer ("Dinner for Schmucks") and Bryce Dallas Howard ("Hereafter") head a strong ensemble cast.

Set in Jackson, Miss. in the early to mid-1960s, "The Help" takes a frank, heartbreaking and often humerous look at racial tension in the Deep South in general and the strained relationship between black maids and their anglo employers.

Lisa Respers France dives into an interesting question herself in a story posted on the CNN Web Site.  Beginning with a headline that reads "Is 'The Help' heroic or stereotyping?" France compares black actresses portraying maids in Hollywood's Golden Year of 1939 to Davis, Spencer and others who take on difficult roles in "The Help."

"When the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People complained about Hattie McDaniel's portrayal of slave housekeeper Mammy in the 1939 blockbuster film 'Gone with The Wind,' the actress is reported to have responded, 'I'd rather get paid $700 a week for playing a maid than $7 for being one.'

"As the film 'The Help' opens nationwide today, it faces the same challenges and criticisms of the best-selling novel of the same name," the CNN.com article states.

Click here to read the entire article.

After you do that, I suggest you make a beeline for your local movie house and line up for "The Help," one of the finest films of the year so far.

No 'Glee' for Lynch in concert flick

 

This may shock some "Glee" geeks.

Outstanding tongue-in-cheek funny lady Jane Lynch, who portrays sassy antagonist Sue Sylvester on the Fox chorus line series "Glee," has, according to a report on the Hollywood Reporter Web site, has been axed from the spin-off "Glee the 3D Concert Movie."

"Series co-creator Ryan Murphy told reporters at a news conference for the movie over the weekend that Jane Lynch, who plays Sue Sylvester on Fox's hit musical show, won't be in the movie despite being filmed during the tour and appearing in the trailer," the article sez.

The movie, offered in 3-D (needs special glasses) and the traditional 2-D (no special glasses required), opens Friday sans Ms. Lynch. 

Murphy apparently also told the press conference attendies that Lynch will appear in another version on DVD.

"Jane will be on that. We'll do it that way," the article states.

In true Sue Sylvester and Hollywood hype tradition, Sylvester is urging everyone to boycott the movie.

Yeah, right.  See below.  

    

("Glee the 3D Concert Movie" photo courtesy:  20th Century Fox.) 

Winning? What's wrong with this picture?

OK, the floor is open for debate.

What's wrong or right about this picture of Ashton Kutcher in Charlie Sheen's old perch between Angus T. Jones, left, and Jon Cryer in the familiar "Two and a Half Men" pose?

Can anyone suggest a reason why CBS and the production company have decided to re-tool and move forward with a show that, although a cash cow, was broke beyond Humpty Dumpty repair when Sheen moved to Mars mentally and abandoned all hope of salvaging his financial connection to "the good life," i.e. drugs and women?

Please sing to the tune of the "Two and a Half Men" theme song:

"Money ... money ... money ... money ... mon-eeeeeeeeeeeeee."

Take it from me, this creative shipwreck is doomed to failure on the artistic level.

No one could right the Titanic once it went belly up, and no one will ever recreate the magic-in-a-bottle of Sheen as the heavy drinking womanizer who reluctantly allows his nebbish brother Alan (Cryer) and nephew Jake (Jones) to share his Malibu beach house.

Kutcher, a decent actor, will give it the good go.  According to a report by the Hollywood Reporter, CBS Entertainment president Nina Tassler had high praise for Kutcher (and took a slight verbal snipe at Sheen) Wednesday as she faced reporters at the fall TV network dog and pony show in L.A.

"'We have an extraordinary actor in Ashton Kutcher. You have someone who is committed to doing their job and is incredibly professional,' she said, adding that Kutcher is 'an extraordinarily talented, funny and gifted actor,'" sez the posted Hollywood Reporter article.

Tassler forgot to mention one thing.  Kutcher is not Charlie Sheen, and you can read into that what you will.

I have met and interviewed Sheen on more than one occasion.  I always walked away thinking something like, "This guy's crazy as a loon."

And that was before his cars began suspiciously falling off cliffs into deep Cali canyons.  That was before Sheen took a hike as TV's highest paid sitcom guy and showed up in Tinsel Town waving a machete and gathering a posse of "goddesses" to keep around the house.

Charlie is Charlie is Charlie.

He was also extremely funny as the anchor of the sitcom CBS is trying to rebuild.

Once Sheen exits the "Two and a Half Men" grand scheme for good, however, as he likely will when the new season debuts Sept. 19 with a two-parter that's rumored to be about Charlie's funeral, the only people who stand to "win" are the advertisers, CBS and the production company.

Bottom line men, you see, could care less about artistic integrity, on-screen chemistry or a sitcom story that makes sense.

They're keen on something else.  Hit it boys ...

"Money ... money ... money ... money ... mon-eeeeeeeeeeeeee."

("Two and a Half Men" photo courtesy:  CBS)

A reason to love the Alamo Drafthouse

If you prefer your phone to what's happening on a movie screen, you might just want to stay away from the Alamo Drafthouse, according to a story posted on the Hollywood Reporter Web site.

"In a blog post on the Alamo Drafthouse's website, the theater claims it has a strict no-talking policy that was adopted in 1997.

"'Recently, we had a situation where a customer persisted in texting in the theater despite two warnings to stop,' the blog post reads. 'Our policy at that point is to eject the customer without a refund, which is exactly what went down that night.  Luckily, this former patron was so incensed at being kicked out, she quickly called the office and left us the raw ingredients for our latest 'Don't Talk or Text' PSA.," the story states.

Ah, but here's the kicker.  The kicked-out customer's expletive-laced voicemail is now the Alamo Drafthouse's latest phone warning that runs before all R-Rated movies.

Before you click on the video, please be aware that this is the uncensored version containing harsh expletives.

 

Way to go, Alamo Drafthouse!

What do you think?

Oh heil no; Von Trier's no Cannes do

 

"Melancholia" stars Charlotte Gainsbourg, left, and Kirsten Dunst flank Lars von Trier at the Cannes press conference.   (Courtesy:  guardian.co.uk)

If you didn't know Danish filmmaker Lars von Trier before, chances are you might very soon, for all the oh-so-wrong reasons.

At a press conference for his doomsday sci-fi drama "Melancholia"at the Cannes Film Festival in the South of France on Wednesday, the director of "Dancer in the Dark," "Dogville" and "Antichrist" let it slip rather openly that he sympathizes with Adolf Hitler.

“'For a long time I thought I was a Jew and I was happy to be a Jew,' he began, 'then I  met (Danish and Jewish director) Susanne Bier and I wasn’t so happy. But then I found out I was actually a Nazi. My family were German. And that also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler…I sympathize with him a bit,'” an article posted on the Hollywood Reporter Web site stated.

According to published reports, "Melancholia" co-stars Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, who flanked von Trier at the press conference, "stared at him agog." 

There must be some funny fizz (gas, as they call it in Europe) in the bottled water in Cannes this year.  

Cannes is usually all about red carpets and starlets and men parading around in rented tuxedos.

Oh, there's always a minor controversy or two.  And, yes, I did see a beggar parade his young daughter (about 6) on a leash like a trained monkey directly across the street from the glam festivities when I was there a few years back.

Now the Cannes Film Festival is fighting back the best it can; condemning von Trier and declaring the filmmaker "persona non grata."

Click here to read the Hollywood Reporter's full story on the von Trier ban.  But be aware that a photo in the article prominently features graphic harsh profanity.

"Melancholia" will remain in competition.  If it wins anything at Sunday's closing ceremony, however, those stern French film festival taskmasters have declared that Mr. Von Trier "won't be there to receive the prize."

Now that may seem harsh, except for this:  The self-proclaimed Nazi sympathizer has already won his prize.

I believe it's called publicity in polite social circles.

Dude, where's my bowling shirt? ... seriously, Dude

Sorry, Charlie, but it's official now.  Ashton Kutcher is taking over the reins as lead actor in "Two and a Half Men."

Demi Moore, Ashton's mom -- excuse me, I mean his wife -- must be so proud.

I can almost hear the battle cries from both the Sheen camp and the Kutcher camp:

"Winning ... winNING! ... WINNING!!, I'm going to need more goddesses."

"Dude, you've been Punk'd.  I be looking real good in a bowling shirt."

Click the link to read the latest on the "Two and a Half Men" reboot from EW.com:

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/05/13/official-ashton-kutcher-joins-two-and-a-half-men/

Winning! (losing), casting! for 'Men'

The way the world appears to often reverse its spin these days, I wouldn't be shocked if Charlie Sheen does return to "Two and a Half Men," perhaps even adding a "goddess" or twosome to the cast.

With about a week to go before CBS is forced to show its hand, though, it certainly doesn't look like "The Warlock with tiger blood flowing in his veins" will be back in the bowling shirt in a Monday night sitcom.

By all accounts, CBS and "Two and a Half Men" creator Chuck Lorre came close to signing somewhat faded British comic star Hugh Grant on Wednesday.

As someone has already pointed out on the Web, though, wouldn't that necessitate a title change to "One and a Half Men and a Bloke"?

Grant passed, so the scramble is on for Plan B, or is it really Plan G, H, or I?

According to an article posted on the Hollywood Reporter Web site, the clock is ticking:

"With the CBS upfront presentation now a week away, sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that the studio, network and 'Men' executive producer Chuck Lorre have set their sights on a new unidentified actor to replace Charlie Sheen in the wake of Hugh Grant passing on the role.   

"As THR first reported on April 28, Lorre has hatched a plan to reboot TV’s most-watched sitcom without Sheen, who was fired in the wake of his erratic behavior and tirades against Lorre and other executives," the article states.

As they say on teevee, "Don't touch that dial."  CBS needs to have some kind of plan in hand Wednesday (May 18) when they spill the beans to advertisers.

(Hugh Grant, left, Charlie Sheen photo courtesy:  people.com)

So much for holding off on Bin Laden humor

All day yesterday, while the world was coming to grips with the fact that a team of U.S. Navy SEALs had taken out Osama bin Laden in -- as Steve Martin would say -- a condo made of stone-a, I was wondering how comics and latenight talk show hosts would react to the long-awaited news.

Would Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Jimmy Kimmel and the rest play it somber, or go for the punchline jugular?

I caught Leno first.  His doctored video of President Obama's "Bin Laden is Dead" Sunday night primetime TV break-in ended with what looked like the president doing backflips along the red carpet in the East Wing of the Whitehouse.

Letterman wasted no time either, saying something like, "The Navy SEALS fired a couple of warning shots into bin Laden's head."

Kimmel's "Weekend at bin Laden's" movie trailer spoof may have been the most savage ... and inspired.  Click here to take a look.

Letterman had the best of both worlds -- serious and silly -- on the night following the announcement of Bin Laden's demise in Pakistan.

Brian Williams, host of the "NBC Nightly News," dropped by to chat, gloat, joke and talk serious about the historic significance of the past 24 hours, despite the fact that Williams was about to anchor an expanded one-hour version of his own show.

Letterman may or may not have taken the correct approach -- a balance of the somber and the wacky.  But his Top 10 List from Monday night will live on in my warped mind for years to come.

 

(David Letterman, Brian Williams photo courtesy CBS-TV.)

Publicize me: Spurlock on selling out, cashing in

 

Documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock, the human billboard.   (Courtesy:  Sony Pictures Classics)

I'm looking forward to seeing "Pom Wonderful Presents:  The Greatest Movie Ever Sold" tonight.

Morgan Spurlock, the crusading-yet-funloving documentary maker of "Super Size Me," "Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?" and others, serves up his exposé on product-placement to general movie audiences beginning Friday.

We only have to go as far as the title, prefaced by "Pom Wonderful Presents," to get a strong hint that Spurlock is pulling out all the stops to take the cinematic sell-out to new heights.

Or lows.

To my knowledge, which should never be considered all-inclusive, this is the first time words thrown into a movie title due to raging egos (Tyler Perry) or bottom-line, money-grubbing economics (Tyler Perry) have anything to do with promoting the sale of pomegranates.  

Come on, we all know that product placement exists.  Some filmmakers and TV directors are just more subtle about it than others.

The CNN Web site has a revealing article posted today titled "Morgan Spurlock:  Why I sold out."

In it, Spurlock reveals the shock he felt a few years ago when a season premiere episode of "Heroes" on TV seemed to include a car manufacturer as one of the title characters.

"In it, a cheerleader, played by Hayden Panettiere, meets her father as she walks out of her new school and heads toward the parking lot.

"'The camera dollies past the car and you see the Nissan logo go through the frame,' Spurlock recalled. And then her father surprises her by giving her the keys to the family's sparkling Nissan Rogue SUV. 'Oh my God, the Rogue!' she screams. 'You're the best dad in the world!'" the CNN article states.

"The Greatest Movie Ever Sold" (Sorry about that, pomegranate folks) claims to be "a film that was fully financed through product placement from various brands, all of which are integrated transparently into the film."

In other words, it's about business as usual in Hollywood.

If you're still with me, I'd like to thank you for visiting Bernie's Used Tires and Semi-Rust-Free Dented Hubcaps presents:  Larry Ratliff Movies & More featuring Larry's Aisle Seat.

(Morgan Spurlock image from "Super Size Me" courtesy:  Roadside Attractions)