Things you need to do before Oscar night

(Courtesy:  Oscars.org)

Unlike the Olympics, which were fun but seemed to last about a month and a half on NBC (Another short track race, really?), the Academy Awards gala back-patting ceremony only has one evening on ABC.

In case you've been too busy looking for the closest curling club to you, please note that Oscar night this year hits TV screens at 7 p.m. on the aforementioned ABC television network. 

Those interested can cram their brains ahead of time with Oscar history at the official Web site and predict the winners at the ABC site.  Or, do as I like to do and just relax and enjoy the extended evening.

Frankly, by the time the Academy Awards actually roll around, I've had it up to my Oscar ballot in awards shows.  There are way too many of them.  And the fact that more and more of these kudo fests get TV screen time continues to dilute the process.

It should be more interesting than usual this year -- the super-sized year of two hosts and 10 best picture nominees -- if co-hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin can find a way to honor, amuse and poke a little fun at the industry without turning Hollywood's biggest night into a prolonged "Saturday Night Live" skit.

So what do we need to do before Sunday night to prepare?

SNACKS, WE NEED LOTS OF SNACKS

Go shopping, but know before you go.  This can get tricky.  First of all, it's going to be a long night (usually around four hours at least), so plan accordingly.  Spend the early hours nibbling on the light stuff; chips and veggies (if you must).

Save heavier items like pizza, lobster tails and back-yard grilled steak until the stretch run -- at least 9 p.m. in the Central Time zone.  If you're not wearing a watch, wait until the technical awards begin to drone on forever.

I hate to mention this.  But every year after Oscar night someone blames me for stains on clothing.  Come on people, think!  You've got a ballot to keep up with.  Certain comfort foods are out.  Hot wings dripping in greasy 3-alarm sauce, for one thing.

And several of you (You know who you are) tried without success to balance Oscar night with a rack of ribs last year.  Forget it.  It cannot be done. 

AN OSCAR BALLOT?  YES, YOU NEED ONE

I know it's a hassle, especially for you rib lovers.  But how else are you going to humiliate yourself in front of family and friends without making official predictions?  I like the ballot  that you can download by clicking here.  But you can find them all over the World Wide Web.

REMEMBER, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD

Unless Mo'Nique ("Precious") and/or Christoph Waltz ("Inglourious Basterds") lose in the supporting actress/actor categories, which I doubt, the world will go on spinning no matter who or what wins.

So just kick back and let Oscar work for you as Hollywood's finest (and some catapulted by nomination campaigning) go for the gold.  A reminder for those still in a Winter Olympics daze:  There's no silver or bronze in the Academy Awards.

However, as several of the winners will no doubt gush from the podium, "It's an honor just to be nominated."

Uh, huh.  Actually, the outcome looks so predictable this year I might just skip the whole thing and go out for ribs.