Fast-forward one year: Conan and Simon who?

I have two slightly annoying problems as I settle into Simon Cowell's abandoned seat as the new designated Grumpy Judge on "American Idol."

(Courtesy:  Fox)

It's not the cross-country commute every week.  Now that I'm making the big bucks, I think it's rather amusing to pay $100 to check my first bag, $250 for the second and $400 (OK, that's a little steep) for Bag 3, which is crammed full of hair color, non-fat yogurt designed to assist, ahem, digestion and, of course, Milk Duds.

In fact, I enjoy spending much of my time in L.A. these days.  I have my own personal waiter, Conan O'Brien, at the Fox commissary.  That angry bolt from NBC and subsequent late-night talk show on Fox unfortunately went limp quicker than Conan's flame-red pompadour.  He's getting better as a waiter, though.  I think the hair net makes the soup if not more enjoyable, at least less full of surprises.

My hangup No. 1 as THE "American Idol" judge is being forced to wear those form-fitting white T-shirts on the air.  Hey, that was Simon's thing.  I just don't have the chiseled body for a T-shirt in public (or anywhere else, for that matter).

Truth be known, my stint on a No. 1-rated San Antonio radio show began to unravel when I balked at wearing a clingy T-shirt during a TV commercial taping session years ago.  So I'm a little sensitive about T-shirts, OK?

As it turns out, us folks of the morning radio crew should have been wearing tank tops.  The show went downhill fast (tanked, get it?) after a so-called "consultant" was brought in and broke up the very successful, top-rated team. 

Simon, smug as ever, still looks good in T-shirts, though, as he parks my rented Mercedes-Benz S-Class in the Fox Studio parking lot.  Sadly, Cowell's "Project X" landed in the Project Dumper after just a few episodes.

How could it compete with the new "Idol" with myself, Paula Abdul (She's back and woozy as ever, yay!), Ellen DeGeneres and Jay Leno on the judges panel?  I can keep up with Jay all right, although my slight hearing loss crosses me up sometimes.  I just have to remember that the high-pitched, whiny voice is Leno and the deeper tones come from Ellen.

Speaking of DeGeneres, that brings us to my other slight dilemma.  Ellen is sharp as a tack and so quick with a comeback that I often pretend I'm distracted by Paula's snoring until I can think of something sour-yet-clever to say.

That's all right, though.  2011 looks like the year I'll finally break the $11 million salary mark.  When I get a little down on myself, it always cheers me up to end my day with "The Tonight Show with Craig Ferguson." 

Now that guy is funny!  What do I care that it comes on at 1:45 in the morning these days (yep, another round of NBC late-night schedule shuffling). 

I'm up trying on girdles and T-shirts anyway.